


Dreams of Freedom

by Ju_uh_piter



Category: Berserk
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Secret Relationship, The rating will probably change in the second part
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-29
Updated: 2017-09-29
Packaged: 2019-01-06 19:44:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12217662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ju_uh_piter/pseuds/Ju_uh_piter
Summary: After marrying Roderick, Farnese finds herself regretting her choice. Despite everything he has to offer, she still aches for more freedom. Running away isn't possible, but perhaps not everything is lost...





	Dreams of Freedom

The marriage still felt like a dream. The events, everything, from the morning to what should have been a happy night together were foggy memories, as if they had never happened. Farnese would have given everything to wake up and discover that it had been, in fact, nothing but a dream; her regrets were strong, but she was no more in conditions of running away.

Of course, she hadn’t married him for love. He was a gentleman, and many women would have found him desirable, but he simply wasn’t what she wanted. It wasn’t his fault—the man seemed blissfully unaware of her torments, thanks to his job keeping him from away from their shared home for days at times—but the fact he was so kind with her made it even harder. Farnese almost felt guilty for he incapacity of reciprocating such gentle intents. Her smiles were like fake pearls, appealing but worthless.

In her eyes it was blatant, but Roderick didn’t seem to notice. Rather than feeling relieved, the woman found it to be a disturbing detail. She couldn’t help but wonder if her husband was merely pretending not to see her malcontent or if he really knew her that little. It was hard to said what truth would have hurt the least.

Underneath this simple secret, that perhaps wasn’t even dangerous, but rather embarrassing, Farnese jealously hid another one… along with her personal guard. It would have been nigh on impossible to survive that stale routine alone, and, like during her fairly unhappy childhood, she had found herself relying on Serpico for far more than personal care.

 He was one of few good things about her past, not to mention the only one she had left. His presence had always been of great comfort: knowing that young man would have been by his side no matter what had helped her cope with a big series of delusions that would have crushed otherwise. While everyone left her, disgusted or scarred by the various flaws her upbringing had brought her to collect, Serpico never dared to move or to complain. She had hurt him, physically and emotionally—perhaps to test his loyalty and tell herself he was, in fact, hers—but he had never left. It wasn’t easy to guess what his ever-closed eyes hid, but she had always like to imagine there was a good amount of affection and care among the other things.

Many days and many nights her mind had brought her to her first, unsuccessful, attempt to escape with him. Sometimes, when the night caught her in a moment of particular discomfort, she would find herself fantasizing about it. What if they had actually run away? It was a terrifyingly alluring idea.

During the first month of marriage Farnese had felt lonelier than ever. She knew what she wanted way too well, deep down her tormented heart, but even though the man she really wanted stood by her side for almost the whole day, something stopped her from acting. Looking at Roderick and his hopes, she had fooled herself and tried to consider the chance of their relationship working.  
It didn’t.  
He was not a bad man, but they were simply not meant to be, two pieces of different puzzles, unable to fit, no matter what.

And that’s how, eventually, the temptation had defeated her loyalty. Her whole being ached for it, it was a need that involved both body and mind. She wanted a company that could fill the hole Roderick’s absence left, a touch that could cleanse every sign he had left on her. The hand she wanted to feel on her weren’t his.

Farnese suspected her servant had been aware of her wants from the beginning, and found him willing to risk it to please and—and that was what she hoped but never admitted, scared to be refused—love her. She had confessed what she wanted in a whisper, then claimed his lips before he could reply. Even without speaking, his actions let her know it was okay.  
 For the first time in weeks she felt happy.

Their interactions as lovers were brief and secret; her husband’s presence prevented them from going too far, much to the woman’s displeasure. She wanted to give herself to him, after having laid with someone else, a part of her needed to know how it was to sleep by the side of the man she loved.

They could only take advantage of the time Roderick spent outside, but with the other servants around it wasn’t always possible to find a moment of intimacy. The fact everyone knew how loyal Serpico was helped, somehow: people had gotten used to think of the as a pair, and it was almost impossible for many to think of them as anything but a servant and his mistress.

People assumed they were taking care of some daily tasks, and they shared hidden moment of warmth and happiness. The secret whispers and touches brought light in Farnese’s life, especially when loneliness caught her unprepared; at night, sleeping beside a company that made her feel alone, she went back to those moments, grabbing onto them with need. They were her most precious treasures.

 

Farnese was thinking about it again, quietly sitting between the two men of her life during a cold winter morning. While Serpico stood in alert, a dignified and efficient guard, Roderick sat right beside her, clearly more relaxed. He was smiling happily, but she could only offer him a shadow of a smile. The mask of serenity was not perfect, but it worked decently.

Roderick was telling her an anecdote about his last travel, which had her attention, but not for the reason the man hoped.   
Ah, she had missed moving on her own…  The feeling of independence, the soothing weight of the armour and her weapon, the adrenaline of being part of a journey… All thing a housewife was not supposed to experience.

She sighed, listening and nodding like the good woman she pretended to be, but, almost instinctively, her attention shifted toward Serpico. He, too, had been part of her short adventures after all. For a moment, it was as if her servant had guessed her thoughts; he turned toward her and, though his eyes were closed, Farnese had the impression she was looking at her.

“What do you think, Farnese?” Roderick’s voice suddenly interrupted her train of thoughts.  
Farnese brought a hand to her chest, gasping softly in surprise. She tried to recover quickly, not wanting to make her husband understand just how little attention she was paying. Thankfully an answer came to her quick and sincere.

“Oh, it’s wonderful, dear. I’d love to travel by your side one day.”  
But as she said this her eyes and heart were on Serpico.

 

An hour afterwards Roderick left, and Farnese found herself facing her grudge against her new life once again. The difference was that the topic of the conversation had given her a new resolution, a resolution born from burning frustration. The more she thought about those travels, the more she realized she wanted to be there. Her condition was unjust simply.

She needed someone whom to confess her thoughts, and she knew there was only one man. The man who should have been _hers._

“Serpico.”   
His name rolled down her tongue like a treat.

He answered her call shortly after, obediently walking toward her. “Do you need anything lady Farnese?”  
_To leave this place and run away with you._  
“I just want to talk” she lied. “I miss the old times. We were a great duo out there, don’t you think? We only had each other at times, but we made it work.”  
Nostalgia hit her hard, making her guts twirl painfully. Serpico didn’t answer, but his expression changed a bit. It was small detail, and many people would have missed it, but to her it was clear; he was still a mystery for her, but a familiar one she was starting to learn to read.   
“What I was trying to say is…”  
“Perhaps we should talk about this outside, some fresh air will do you good,” he interrupted her. It wasn’t like him to do it, but there was concern in his voice so Farnese assume he meant well. Her uneasiness was probably palpable.   
She accepted eagerly.

 

Her dress was elegant, but it did little to spare her from the cold. Leaning against Serpico and the comforting warmth his body offered was almost an automatic gesture. She was quite sure no one could see them in their garden would see them, and even if that happened, she could hope they’d interpreter their actions as nothing more than the routine of a servant accompanying his mistress.

“It hurts to hear him talk like that,” Farnese admitted. “This is exactly how I didn’t want to live. I wish it were me on that ship at times, not with him perhaps, but _there, in the real world_.”  
Serpico remained in silence, but there was something painful in the way he looked at her.  
“Do you remember when I tried to leave with you?”   
“Yes.”  
“I wish we had done it.”

Serpico’s eyes opened for a second but not with determination as per usual: this time he looked quite unhappy. He knew he couldn’t make her wish come true. No matter how much he wanted it as well, bringing her away would have been too dangerous.

 The scandal itself would have been huge, it would have destroyed Roderick’s dignity and made their life much harder: most people avoided unfaithful brides like the pest, and one that had cheated on her husband with a servant would have been particularly repulsive. The only way to avoid the prejudge and hate was to live the country and live under a different name, pretending to be commoners, but he wasn’t sure his mistress was ready for it.  
There was little to no future for runaways.

He knew Farnese hadn’t demanded an answer, but he still felt the need to give her one. Deep down he needed one as well; they had been postponing that topic for too long and it was clearly starting to become hard to hide everything.

“Oh, Lady Farnese,” he eventually sighed, “I wish I could bring you where you want, but I cannot. However, I could help you experiment freedom again without escaping. It won’t last forever, but it’s everything I can offer, unfortunately. Your husband has asked me to take care of && for him. We could tell the other servants you’re assisting me to make sure everything goes as planned, like a diligent wife, and they won’t bother you with unnecessary questions. You see, nothing is stopping us from taking few stops along the way…”

Those words seemed to give Farnese a new hope. Her expression softened, and she let him go. As she took a step forward, looking at the sky like a lost soul who sought an answer, she slowly regained some of her previous composition.   
“What are we going to do there?”   
She knew what she wanted pretty well, but she was scared to say it out loud.  
_“Everything you wish, lady Farnese.”_  
A series of tempting thoughts flashed through her mind.  
“I want to go.”

**Author's Note:**

> I can't believe I'm doing this again, but these two destroyed my writer's block, somehow, even I wasn't planning something like this. Well, I guess this fanfiction was just meant to be...
> 
> The second chapter is almost finished and will be uploaded after my exams. I hope you'll enjoy it!


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